Confession No. 6: I'm Getting Married at Age 10
Today I babysat a trio of kids (whom I adore and have babysat regularly). Each child is currently going through a phase - the eldest a hairdressing phase, so my hair got pulled a lot; the youngest a "no pants" phase, so we had an argument about appropriate attire for walking to the park; the middle a questions phase, so I did a lot of Googling to answer some very odd questions.
One question I was not expecting: When are you getting married?
I think it's fair to say that in my late teens, having never had any kind of relationship (aside from a very tame primary school one that barely counts as anything more than a couple of kids playing at being grown up), marriage is a long way from my mind.
Confession Time: In saying that, having children is something I think about all the time.
Now, I told this child it would probably happen when I was a bit older, and he pinned me with a stare that was a lot older than his five years and said, very seriously, "Oh. So when you're ten then."
Needless to say, there were a fair few questions I had to answer after I informed him that I was, indeed, already older than ten and sadly unmarried (also that I was still in school. He was highly disappointed to hear that it was a thirteen year deal and not something he could leave as soon as he hit double digits).
But back to my confession; I cannot wait to have children of my own. And obviously I am mature enough to understand that I can't have them now, and I don't even particularly want them now -- there are a lot of things I want to accomplish blessedly child-free -- but the idea that I would be a mother has always been one at the forefront of my mind. It's never been a question, but simply a statement. When people tell me I'll be a "great mum someday", I don't panic about the prospect of children or the burden of responsibility. I think yeah, I will and then I hope it's sooner, rather than later.
Here's where my problem kicks in. I want to be a mum. I will be a mum. But I want just as desperately to be a journalist, a traveller, a lawyer. I want a lot of things that are not conducive to raising a brood of children, and I can't work out how to make these two conflicting dreams compatible. I want to stay at home and look after my kids, but I would feel intellectually unfulfilled. I want to conquer the goddamn world, but I would always be missing something.
It makes me angry, because this isn't something that men have to worry about. It makes me angry, because there is no "right way", there is no neat bow to wrap this problem up tidily. There is always going to be a compromise, and I don't want to compromise on this. This is my life, and I deserve better than having to compromise.
And I am still so young. I'm self-aware enough to know I have many years ahead of me before this becomes an issue. But I can't see my mind changing, and I can't see there being any new solution to this problem by then.
So what do I do? I keep pushing for both, and I push until I break. It's how I've dealt with all my problems before, and I'm still in one piece. Something's going right.
Always,
Your teenaged disaster
One question I was not expecting: When are you getting married?
I think it's fair to say that in my late teens, having never had any kind of relationship (aside from a very tame primary school one that barely counts as anything more than a couple of kids playing at being grown up), marriage is a long way from my mind.
Confession Time: In saying that, having children is something I think about all the time.
Now, I told this child it would probably happen when I was a bit older, and he pinned me with a stare that was a lot older than his five years and said, very seriously, "Oh. So when you're ten then."
Needless to say, there were a fair few questions I had to answer after I informed him that I was, indeed, already older than ten and sadly unmarried (also that I was still in school. He was highly disappointed to hear that it was a thirteen year deal and not something he could leave as soon as he hit double digits).
But back to my confession; I cannot wait to have children of my own. And obviously I am mature enough to understand that I can't have them now, and I don't even particularly want them now -- there are a lot of things I want to accomplish blessedly child-free -- but the idea that I would be a mother has always been one at the forefront of my mind. It's never been a question, but simply a statement. When people tell me I'll be a "great mum someday", I don't panic about the prospect of children or the burden of responsibility. I think yeah, I will and then I hope it's sooner, rather than later.
Here's where my problem kicks in. I want to be a mum. I will be a mum. But I want just as desperately to be a journalist, a traveller, a lawyer. I want a lot of things that are not conducive to raising a brood of children, and I can't work out how to make these two conflicting dreams compatible. I want to stay at home and look after my kids, but I would feel intellectually unfulfilled. I want to conquer the goddamn world, but I would always be missing something.
It makes me angry, because this isn't something that men have to worry about. It makes me angry, because there is no "right way", there is no neat bow to wrap this problem up tidily. There is always going to be a compromise, and I don't want to compromise on this. This is my life, and I deserve better than having to compromise.
And I am still so young. I'm self-aware enough to know I have many years ahead of me before this becomes an issue. But I can't see my mind changing, and I can't see there being any new solution to this problem by then.
So what do I do? I keep pushing for both, and I push until I break. It's how I've dealt with all my problems before, and I'm still in one piece. Something's going right.
Always,
Your teenaged disaster
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